Just a rough week...

I have been so whiney this week. I have cried or gotten teary eyed at least once a day all week. It happened again today, once at school and then tonight again while rocking the baby. I have been telling myself I am simply tired and the affects of not sleeping more than 6 hours in a night for over a year have finally caught up with me but then just about an hour ago I figured it out. It is almost February. February 4th to be exact. Some years it does not bother me. Sometimes I think because it has been over 20 years that makes it easier. Some years the day even passes and I don't even realize it. Some years my chest hurts more and more as the days get closer. It is one of those years. 21 years ago on February 4th I lost my momma. Even as I type I can hardly breath and my eyes are overflowing. It is normal to miss a parent. It is normal to grieve. This year though my heart feels like its breaking all over again. I think its because I am sorta grieving for my kids and I guess feeling sorry for myself. My kids don't have a grandmother. They have two awesome women who love them. My mother-in-laws are great. I just wanted them to have what I had. Someone at every school event. Someone near by to be there for a weeknight dinner at McDonalds or just to surprise them and be here when we get home. Someone I could pick up the phone and talk to anytime. I have wonderful and awesome people in my life please don't think I do! Tonight though I just really miss my momma. I want to see how she aged. I want to see her hold my babies. I want to smell her perfume and see her in her robe drinking hot tea. I want to watch her roll her hair and apply her makeup. I want her to have met a wonderful man and had the chance to have other children. I guess simply I want her to have lived.