Mother's Day 2011

Let me start by saying that Tim tried very hard this year. I had a cookie cake and cards waiting for me this morning. The kids were very helpful. We made it to church, lunch, and home again without any fighting or drama. When you have a family of 6 this is always a great day, the fact that it was Mother's Day made it all the better. Tim gave me a nap and sent me to the movies all alone. These are my favorite things so I really can count this up to an awesome Mother's Day. My mental state on the other hand has been kinda off. Some years are better than others. Some years I am melancholy and think about the times my mom and I would have had together, others I just grieve in my Mother's Day post but for some reason this year is different. This year I am just mad. I am mad at the world. I am mad at fate. I am mad at cancer. This year I am tired. I am tired of hurting like it happened yesterday. I am tired of the whole that feels like a knife in my gut. I am tired of telling others the pain will go away, that it just gets better with time. I am tired of reminding myself that it happened 22 years ago and to grow up. I am tired of pushing it down and holding back the tears all the time. I am tired of being the only friend without a mom. I don't want to talk to my aunt today. I don't want to talk to my Nana. I don't want to smile at the people with their moms at the movies. I don't want to ride behind the parents going to their daughters house for an evening meal. I want that to be my mom! I want a man that loves her to beside her! I want siblings to argue and fight with! I want a nagging mom who calls everyday! I want the horrible family vacations! I want to complain!!!!! I want a mom to complain about!!!!!!!! I don't want to be the only one at family events without siblings or parents! I don't want my dad to have been a drunk who gambled and left! I want her to have what I have and the only thing she ever wanted! She DESERVED IT AND I WANT IT!! I want her not to have been stressed all the time! I want her not to have ignored the signs! I want the doctors to have done more! I want to throw a fit! I want to be Buzzy and stomp my feet and scream! I want to be sent to the relaxation room! I want to bang on the walls and scream out loud! I want to know why! I want pictures! NEW pictures! Pictures with my kids and pictures of when I am adult and she is old. I want a do over! I want to scream IT's NOT FAIR! I want to hit the walls and throw the chairs! This year I am mad. Just plain mad.